You are the anchorman, what is your lead story?

You have just been hired as the lead anchor for a major metropolitan news station. On the way back to the station one day (you've been out buying new suits), you are ambushed by your competing local anchors. After a fight involving horses, a man on fire, and you killing a man with a trident, you finally arrive back at the news desk. Unfortunately, you're late. You have to go on. Now. You don't have time to review the evening's material, so like a true pro you are going to make up the news off the top of your head. Just for kicks (and also due to the fact that you were hit over the head with a space heater) you decide that your top story will be a doozy. What is it? *Note: It can't involve pandas*